However, transgender and gender-nonconforming youth are largely ignored in mainstream media.

Where is the message for these young people? It’s nearly nonexistent. There is, quite literally, next to no mention of gender-variant youth in popular culture, nothing for them in magazines, books, TV (OK, maybe TV — but then one would have to consider whether said gender-variant youth are portrayed as mentally stable, non-stereotypical, etc.). Adults and peers often ignore these youth or make them feel inadequate or damaged.
-Catherine Oliver, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You“

As I was reading this article, I had flashbacks to my own youth. While on the one hand, my mother made an effort to let me make my own choices regarding traditionally “gendered” things (it was perfectly okay for me to play with He-Man and Ninja Turtles, though Barbie was discouraged because of being overly sexist; for some reason, I felt a weak compulsion to at least attempt some “girl things” like Barbie or other “girly” dolls and toys to try and be more “normal”), there were occasional subtle barbs below the surface. I remember the laments of “But you’d be SO PRETTY if…”, or “Don’t you see how pretty you would be/are??”, and frustrated reminders that women have the option of wearing pants, but men don’t have the same option regarding dresses, so I should take advantage of all of the options available to me (whether I want to or not).

Of course, my divergence from the gendered norms was a gradual thing. When I was young and (arguably) blissfully unaware, I was content with the clothes and hairstyles that were handed to me, not that I had–or was aware of–much choice. I even played with a fair amount of “girl toys”. But the rumblings were there. I preferred He-Man to She-Ra. Thundercats and SilverHawks to…I don’t even remember any of the other “girls’ cartoons” of the age. I did enjoy My Little Pony, but that gradually fell by the wayside. By the time high school loomed, I was adamantly opposed to dresses, and consciously refused anything that seemed excessively feminine to me.

High school, however, would contain a tipping point that sticks out most brutally in my memory. It was the first time protestations and laments coalesced into an indisputable decree: I was going to wear a dress to my senior prom. My mother insists that she let me try on tuxedos but that I looked awful in them, so I wasn’t allowed to rent one. I have no memories of that. My only memories are of scouring JC Penny and Macy’s and the like until a black velvet sleeveless dress and matching jacket were procured. There are no adequate words to articulate the rage and betrayal represented by that dress. And it was a betrayal. A modern rite of passage was taken away from me and turned into something for someone else’s satisfaction at the expense of a vital part of my still-forming identity. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I fight so fiercely to hang on to my masculinity, because at one point it was so completely stripped away from me and I was powerless to do anything about it.

Years later, my late cousin Diannah even made a comment on my butch presentation (which was almost-but-not-quite solidified), suggesting that I was “sacrificing” my femininity. Her comment offended me in ways I didn’t quite know how to articulate. Seven years after her comment, I can still only barely begin to explain how it implied that I was somehow wrong, or that my identity was incorrect.

But back to the article, which I think is very true. There aren’t many butch females or effeminate males in popular culture (gay or straight) who aren’t caricatures or the punchlines of jokes, meant to be objects of ridicule and/or scorn. I look at things like the Frag Dolls and have a knot of mixed feelings. On the one hand, I feel excited that there’s a such a prominent group of women gamers, but on the other hand…none of them look like me. I often wonder whether or not they’re primarily assembled for and marketed to the straight male gamer: all of the Frag Dolls are traditionally cute and pretty in very hetero-normative ways. I think this overrides any attempt to appeal to the broad and varied audience of female gamers as a whole. For the most part, they don’t seem like they’re for me, interested in people like me, or in appealing to the broader female audience in all of their varied shapes and sizes. More often than not, they seem like they’re meant for the straight male audience, not other women, and I constantly have varied feelings that lean toward disappointment on account.

I’ve never really considered myself “transgender” in the sense of actually trying to change my gender entirely. Because of those associations, I feel a great hesitation in taking on the part of the label that refers to being somewhere in between. I feel like it’s not mine to take in that way. I still have difficulty claiming “genderqueer” despite it being a very apt and applicable description, though this is gradually changing as time goes by. More often than not, I have trouble feeling like those words just don’t belong to me, or I don’t belong to them. (I’m sure there’s a separate argument to be had on the necessity and/or relevance of labels, but that’s neither here nor there just now.)

I don’t want to be feminine. I hate the very idea of even trying to be feminine. I don’t mind being referred to with male pronouns, but prefer female pronouns, and I still identify as female (though I hate being called “lady”, which can make navigating the SCA tricky at times). I don’t want to actually be a man. I’m very happy being a masculine female (though I don’t always like to use the word “woman”, specifically, to identify myself for reasons I don’t yet completely understand). Conversely, I don’t mind being mistaken for a man on the street. In fact, I usually find it amusing, if I have a reaction at all. Not minding the “mistake” sometimes seems to throw people off more than their “mistake” in the first place, quite possibly because they expect me to be insulted or offended and aren’t sure what to do with my non-negative response. There may have been a time when I would have been offended, but it has long passed. Perhaps because I realize that, because my appearance and bearing are so departed from the expected norm, it comes with the territory. I blur the lines considerably–moreso after letting my sideburns grow out–and people are going to make mistakes, and that’s okay.

Getting the point where I realize that being who I am is okay has been a very long and often very difficult road. Ivan E. Coyote said it best in an essay titled “A Butch Roadmap“: “I grew up without a roadmap to myself. Nobody taught me how to be a butch; I didn’t even hear the word until I was twenty years old. I first became something I had no name for in solitude and only later discovered the word for what I was, and realized there were others like me.”

This is why I wish I’d had Stone Butch Blues and Butch is a Noun when I was in high school. And yes, even Sometimes She Lets Me, which nearly moved me to tears because it showed me that yes, even though the stories are fiction, feminine women who like butch women are real. It’s a stereotype, yes, but stereotypes originate and persist for a reason. Having an anthology of these stories reinforces the relationships put forth in Stone Butch Blues as more than a fluke. Finding them in my adult years was such a revelation and a comfort, it’s difficult to describe (though I still feel a little odd having found comfort in an anthology of erotica, but the Fates are mysterious that way). I just wish I’d found them sooner. Now I also have the New 52’s Batwoman. J. H. Williams III and W. Haden Blackman write her with such quality and humanity that I can scarcely find words to articulate how much I love the character and the series.

There is still a need for more and accessible role-models for kids like the one I was, and just as much guidance for their parents. I don’t think my mother was being intentionally mean/cruel/insensitive. I think she was just trying to help me fit in so I wouldn’t be so alone, doing so in the best/only way she knew how. I think she was just as confused and uninformed as I was. Where were the resources that would have helped both of us?

Talking about it is a start. Being more visible is a start. I’m not sure where the road will lead from here, but I hope I can leave a trail for others after me to follow.

This is an updated and revised version of a post that originally appeared in my LiveJournal on April 2nd, 2012.